Eureka!

Hey, Ignacious

When you said the other day I should get clever, I took it to heart. But what could I do? I'm never going to be as clever as you - or so I thought....

As luck would have it, old bean, a solution has revealed itself by pure chance. I was catching up with my televisual viewing last night when I came across a documentary program called 'Little Britain.' Most of it was uninteresting, but there was one item that caught my attention. They were filming a wedding in a church when suddenly someone shouts 'Bitty', and falls on his mother who hoiks out her baps and starts feeding him!

This scene played havoc with my preconceptions, because - as you will no doubt recall from your own upbrining, we expect breastfeeding to be over within the first few years of life. But here it was, clear as day, happening in modern Britain between consenting adults.

In isolation, this would present nothing more than a mere blip of cultural re-alignment, but then last night I came across a report which linked breastfeeding with intelligence. Not surprising, you might say, as when a child is breastfeeding it is interfaced to the brain of its mother and can therefore absorb her alpha waves. But there was a catch. Apparently, it only works in people here if you are carrying a gene called FADS2.

Ignacious my friend, you might not know this but I carry FADS2. It was given to me by Granny Toad before we left, with strict instructions only to use it when I knew what it was for. Glory be, my friend, I now know. It was, what they call, a 'Eureka' moment.

There was no time to lose. I injected the gene with my DNA gun and set out to find some 'Bitty'. A couple of lactating women refused to give me any milk, and I became despondent. But then, as if it were pre-ordained, I came across a kit in a shop called 'Boots' (oddly, it didn't sell shoes), which allows women to pump their own breastmilk into a bottle for swigging later. Why lactating mothers would want to drink their own breastmilk I have no idea, but the kit was ideal for my purposes.

I went back to the lactating women and offered them the kit. One refused, but the other accepted, saying that she'd been thinking of trying it for a while. I waited for her to fill the bottle there and then - for I was impatient by now, but she refused, saying it was something she would try at home and not on a park bench. She then said thanks for the kit and left.

Igancious, what could I do? I read somewhere that women who say no only sometimes mean yes, so I was confused. I followed her for a bit but then the woman spoke to one of their policemen who chased me and I had to become invisible quickly.

Not smarter then, yet, Igancious, but I am trying, honest.

Mungo