I believe in Christmas

Ignacious

For Granny Toads sake. I nearly had a heart attack this morning. I woke up and put on the telly to catch some adverts. Stone me - there were half a dozen one after the other proclaiming it was Christmas already! I was just thinking how odd it was that I'd just lost six weeks of my life when it hit me - I'd not bought you anything. Ok, so I panicked. Ran out of the flat without checking my flies were done up. Correction - I didn't even check I was wearing anything. Well, I wasn't. So of course when I got to the shops I didn't have any money to pay for your present 'cos my purse was in my jeans which were still by my bed. The bastards wouldn't even let me in the shop and said they were going to call the police. What is with the British? They seem to think I'm some kind of public menace. Told them I was good for credit and I'd come back within the hour. Ran back home and realised I'd come out with out my keys - guess where they were? That's right, in the pub. I was so pissed when I left last night that I forgot to pick up my jacket. I'd had to smash a window in the flat to get in but then I'd remembered about these emergency services you told me about so I'd phoned them and said I'd broken my window and I needed an emergency repair. They told me to get lost and hung up.

So when I get back from the shop I crawl back through the broken window but as I wasn't wearing anything I couldn't protect my balls properly and, well, they sort of got a bit scratched. Actually, I lost some blood and it won't stop and now I'm beginning to feel a bit faint. And I still haven't got you a present. So sorry if you are having a shit Christmas, but I'm not enjoying it much either. Shouldn't we be stuffing a turkey together or something?

RSVP, before I expire in total confusion.

Mungo