I want to ride my bicycle

Hey Ignacious

You know how I haven't been getting any since we arrived? Well, just as I was about to relieve myself yet again nothing but an old sock and some olive oil, along comes this news item about some guy getting off by humping his pushbike. Apparently he made the mistake of letting other people invade his privacy. But I checked the Book and couldn't see anything about it being illegal, so I thought why not? These Brits sure have some novel solutions to their sexual problems, and if we're going to integrate then we need to test them out, yeah? And besides, I needed a change from the norm. That sock is getting mighty clogged.

Where to find a bike, I wondered. The woman next door keeps one in the corridor, but she chains it to the radiator and I couldn't break the chain. I figured someone must have left one untethered somewhere, so I set off on my quest about lunchtime. Boy, the air was cold. I could feel it shrivelling up down there, and cursed myself for going commando. Couldn't be swayed though, and I soon found a bike by a field. Some blokes were just getting ready to play football - and I remembered that it is a game of two halves of 45 mins each, so I reckoned I could just borrow the bike and get it back to them before they noticed. Piece of piss, my friend - and I'm wasn't breaking any laws, to boot.

I was just cycling away when one of the players noticed and left the field to give chase. I couldn't believe someone would just abandon a game like that and risk his team's chances of winning, and told him to get back to the footy and leave me alone. Funny thing, he was - started shouting and swearing as if I'd just taken away his favourite toy!

Anyway, got back to the flat and dragged the BMX up the stairs. My balls were aching by now, and the sight of the bike's fat tyres, spinning slowly as I wheeled my new love-toy into the flat were beginning to have the desired effect. I couldn't wait. But then I had a mental seizure. How was I supposed to utilise the bike to maximum effect? The news article mentioned something about humping the saddle, so I tried it but nothing happend and then my member started to wilt! I thought I had deen duped.

What else could I try? There was a load of metal tubing making up the frame, and I thought that if I poured some olive oil inside it would do the trick. But I couldn't get into the frame with my penknife. Then I remembered the inner tubes! Ignacious - you can be proud of me. I used my head. All I had to do was prise off the tyre and cut out a section of the inner tube. It was soooo tight. I tell you my friend, I've never had it so good. It's just a bit of a shame that my foreskin is sensitive to bike rubber, and it's gone all red and painful - well, it was alright for the first few times but then the inner tube started to chafe after I ran out of olive oil and I think I've removed the top few layers of skin with all that rubbing.

I also forgot to take the bike back. Igancious - tell me what I should do with it would you, there's a good chap.

Mungo